No good choices
by spiffytgm
Summary: A VERY DARK story in four parts dealing with love and loss..
1. Chapter 1

**You may not know it, but I am usually an upbeat person. I actually wrote this back when I blew up Helen's house, but I really wasn't going to publish it. After some gentle persuasion (wink wink) from a good friend (you know who you are), I decided to go ahead and do it. There are four parts, and each one is very dark.**

***WARNING* This story deals with character death.**

**All characters belong to JE. All mistakes are mine. I make nothing from this.**

Does a funeral for a Hero hurt more or less? All I knew was that there was an aching hole in the middle of my heart. He died for me. I don't think anything can make that knowledge go away. I had to be drugged so that I could get through the funeral. It was supposed to be mine.

As I sat through the service, I remembered that day. I had been chasing a skip. I can't even remember his name or face now. He had been arrested for possession of PCP, but he had no priors, so he was a low bond. I went to the apartment listed on his bond. When I knocked on his door, I could hear the baby crying. Before I could say a word, a shot rang out, and a bullet hole appeared inches from where I was standing. As I ran down the stairs to get out, I could hear him screaming, "I'll kill her!" Somehow, I knew he meant the baby.

When I got outside, I did the only thing I could think of. I got my phone out of my purse and called him. "Joe, I need help." My skip never made it out of the building alive, but neither did Joe. The baby was fine.

Joe and I never did get married. Neither of us could make the commitment. Now as I stood at his graveside, I realized that I regret that he never got to have the family that I know he thought about. I have nothing of his, and I feel empty.

His mother told me that she didn't blame me, but I know she was lying. The guilt and sadness and the incredible ache tear me apart. My Grandmother stayed with me for a month, holding me and rocking me gently as if I were a child again, as I cried myself to sleep every night. I didn't want her to ever leave, but she went back home, telling me that I needed some time by myself.

My first night alone was horrible. I cried myself into a fitful sleep, until the nightmares came. Terrible dreams of blood and death. I tossed and turned and woke up screaming. As soon as I went back to sleep, the dreams started again. After a few minutes, though, the nightmare started to slip away, and I slept through the night.

It took about a week for me to realize what was happening. Every night he came to me and chased the nightmares away. He never woke me. He sat in the chair by my bed and guarded my dreams. He was always gone in the morning.

Little by little, the nightmares started to fade. The first night I slept through without waking, in the morning my pillow was soaked through with tears. Even though I no longer woke up screaming in the night, he kept his vigil.

The anniversary of Joe's death was hard. I went to his grave and sat with him, remembering how much I loved him and how much I missed him. I told him everything that happened after he left us. His mother had sold his house, the memories were too painful for her. Bob went to live with his brother Anthony, but he lost a lot of his exuberance. He mourned for Joe, too. His Grandma Bella never got over losing him.

That night, I had the nightmare again for the first time in months. This time, when I felt the bad dreams start to slip away, I forced myself awake. I finally saw him, sitting in my chair, watching over me while I slept. I could tell he knew I was awake, but neither of us knew what to say. Finally, I held out my hand to him. He climbed into bed and held me while the tears came.


	2. Chapter 2

***Warning* We're still dealing with character death. Still no happy in sight.**

**SDDP - (Same disclaimer, Different page)**

I raced from my bed and made it to the bathroom just in time to lose whatever was left in my stomach from last night. I knelt on the floor shaking and crying, my legs too weak to hold me. It was just a dream. It was a dream, but it was so much more than that. It felt like I was living through it. I can remember the sounds of gunfire as two men lost their lives, the hideously sweet smell of the funeral flowers, the overwhelming sense of loss and regret.

I don't know how long I stayed on the floor, unable to stand. Eventually I got up and grabbed my phone. I called Connie and told her that I wouldn't be in. I fibbed and told her that I ate something that disagreed with me. She told me she was just about to call out the cavalry, because I hadn't been answering my phone. I promised her that I would let her know how I was feeling tomorrow.

I stayed in my apartment all day, reliving the dream. Late in the afternoon, I gathered my courage and called him. I almost cried with relief when he answered the phone. "Hey, Cupcake."

Joe was busy at work, so our conversation was mercifully brief. When he offered to stop by later, I begged off, telling him the same story I told Connie. By the time we hung up, I was shaking uncontrollably and the tears were falling freely.

I was afraid to go to sleep that night.

o0()0o

I walked along the dingy hallway. This time I knew it was a dream, but I was unable to stop myself. I walked up to the same door. I heard the same baby. The same bullet hole appeared. I tried to wake up, but I couldn't. I ran from the building. This time when I called, a different voice answered the phone. "Yo".

The terror was worse because I knew what was going to happen, and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop him from going into the building. I couldn't make myself not hear the gunshots. I couldn't stop myself from screaming until they had to sedate me.

The funeral was the same, but so very different. I still had to be drugged to get through it. The flowers still smelled too sweet. This time, however, it was the military giving the 21 gun salute, not the police. Tank held me between himself and Bobby while he explained some of the medals that were attached to his uniform jacket. The Distinguished Service Cross and the Silver Star were two of the three highest awards that the military can give a soldier. The Purple Heart was one I recognized. There were other medals and awards, but I couldn't hear anything else.

Ranger once told me that he didn't do relationships, but we loved each other deeply. I didn't know how deeply until it was too late. He left me half of the Trenton office of Rangeman, the apartment on seven, the apartment in his Atlanta office, and a house in Colts Neck. He gave the other half of the Trenton office to Tank. The rest of the businesses were held in trust for Julie, along with the apartments in Boston and Miami and a house in Ft. Lauderdale.

Once again my grandmother came to stay with me. This time, though, a different Merry Man stayed at the apartment with us every night. I didn't notice any of them. I had been catatonic since the day of the funeral, only moving enough to eat and use the bathroom. I didn't want to do that much, but my grandmother had them bring Julie over and I couldn't say no to her tears. Eventually they moved me to an apartment on four. None of them could bring themselves to take me up to seven. Bobby had to sedate me at night, because I couldn't sleep through the nightmares.

About six months after the funeral, I tried to go up to seven on my own. I stood in the elevator holding the key fob for twenty minutes before I collapsed, sobbing. Tank came and brought me back to the apartment on four.

The next day, Joe came over. He tried to convince me that Ranger wouldn't want to see me like this. He told me that he wanted to help me. He told me that he missed me. I didn't listen to him. I was empty inside. He argued with Tank that I should be in a hospital. Finally, he left. When Tank came over to where I was sitting, I could see that he was considering Joe's advice. I started rocking back and forth, whispering, "Please, no. Please, no. Please, no." Until tears fell from Tank's eyes. He promised me that I didn't have to go anywhere.

Nobody told me that it was the anniversary of Ranger's death. I had spent a year unable to function beyond the bare necessities. Tank and Lester came to me in the apartment. They wanted to take me somewhere that I could be close to Ranger without all of the memories.

We drove for an hour. The house they took me to was beautiful, but I didn't notice it. There were fields and stables. There was even a Koi pond. They brought me inside. The house was perfect, but I didn't care. They told me that this was Ranger's house, and that it was mine, now. Lester took both of my hands. "Beautiful, we all miss him. Not a day goes by that we don't think about him. He loved you. He wouldn't want this. He needed for you to be happy." He handed me an envelope. "He gave this to me before he left for his last mission. He said I would know when it was time to give it to you. I still don't know if the time is right, but I can't do nothing any longer."

I turned the envelope over. In Ranger's elegant cursive was the word, "Babe.". The tears started to fall and wouldn't stop. With shaking hands, I opened the envelope. There was a single piece of paper inside. I could hear his voice as I read the words:

_Babe,_

_I'm so sorry I couldn't come home to you. Believe me when I tell you that I wanted to. I've done many things in my life that I regret, but none of them compare to how much I regret not telling you how much I love you until now. You are and have always been my own personal miracle. I couldn't live in a world without you._

_I hope you'll stay strong. I need to know that you'll go on without me. Let Tank help you. There is no one I would trust more with something as precious as you._

_I want you to know that you brought light and color to my world. You showed me that there is goodness in the world, and I will be forever grateful. You are kind and brave and loving. Don't ever forget how much you mean to me. I treasure every second we spent together._

_I hope you like this house, I built it for you. Every time I came here, I thought about seeing you here. I thought about starting our Someday here. I just wish I had the courage to tell you._

_I love you,_

_Carlos_


	3. Chapter 3

**Well, the best thing I can say is that we're almost there. Only one more to go. This chapter (in my opinion) isn't _as_ bad...**

***Warning* Still dealing with death... Still no happy...**

**SDDP**

I woke from the dream with tears streaming down my face. I was still paralyzed by emotions. I could hear my phone ringing, but I couldn't uncurl myself from the fetal position I had assumed on my bed. I don't know how long I stayed that way.

The bed dipped when he sat down and brushed the curls from my face. When he saw the state I was in, he picked me up and held me in his lap, murmuring in Spanish while he rubbed his hand in small circles on my back. Gradually, the paralysis subsided, and I buried my face in his neck, breathing in the scent of Bulgari and Ranger. When my sobs had been reduced to hiccups, he asked me, "Do you want to talk about it, Babe?" I just shook my head, no.

He called Connie and told her that I was ok, but I wouldn't be in. I forgot that I told her I would call. He gently set me back on the bed. When he stood up, I lunged for him, desperately trying to climb back into his lap. He told me that he would be back, and went to get me a glass of water. After I drank, the embarrassment set in. I looked away as I said, "Thank you."

He tipped my chin up until he was looking into my eyes. "No price, Babe. Are you Ok?"

I was fidgeting, afraid that he would see the terror and emptiness in my eyes. "I'll be all right. It was just a bad dream."

He looked into my eyes to see if I was being honest, when his phone rang. He spoke softly into it. When he hung up, he asked me, "Will you be ok if I leave?"

I ran my hand through my hair. "I'll be fine. I'm sorry you had to babysit me today."

He gave me one of his almost smiles. "I got to spend the day in bed with a hot brunette. It wasn't that bad." He kissed me on top of my head and left.

That night I was terrified to go to sleep. I spent as much time as I could cleaning my apartment and watching tv. Eventually I was ready to pass out. No amount of coffee would keep me awake.

o0()0o

I walked along the dingy hallway. Each step I took filled me with more dread. This time I heard the baby cry before I knocked on the door. I raised my hand to knock and the crying got louder. Somehow, I managed to pull myself away from the door and run down the stairs without knocking at all. Both of the men I loved would be safe. I got in my car and drove away.

The next day I read in the newspaper that the man had killed the baby before he overdosed. No matter what choice I made in the dream, someone died.


	4. Chapter 4

**Well, we made it... I see a light at the end of the tunnel... (or is it a oncoming train?)**

**Thank you for taking this journey with me.. Your reviews and encouragement really make my day! y'all are amazing!**

**SDDP**

I finally made it back to work the next day. Connie and Lula were concerned about me, but I stuck to my story about eating something that didn't agree with me. I still didn't want to go to sleep that night, but for once, I didn't have the dream.

A week passed, and I haven't had the dream again. I was still scared at night, but there was no sense of foreboding. Everything was back to a relative normal.

I walked into the office the next morning and Connie handed me my files. As soon as I touched them, my skin started to crawl. I made it out the door without anyone noticing my unease. When I got in my car, I opened the top file. I started to shiver as I looked at the picture attached to the file. A ball of ice formed in the pit of my stomach as I read. James Johnston was arrested for possession of PCP. He had no priors and was a low bond. This was it. I was shaking as I started my car and headed to his last known address.

I parked across the street. The apartment building looked exactly as it had in my dream. I wanted to keep driving, but I knew without a doubt that he had the baby in there, and she would die if I did nothing. As I looked at the building, I knew that there was only one choice I could make. There was only one life that I could be responsible for. I knew what I had to do.

I stepped off the curb to cross the street. As I took the next step, the Porsche came screaming around the corner and stopped in front of me. Ranger jumped out of the car and put his arms around me, pulling me back onto the curb. He looked me in the eyes and said, "No".

I struggled to break away from his grip, but he just held me tighter. "I have to."

He refused to let go. "I can't lose you."

I started to cry. "I can't let the baby die."

He looked at me. "I'll go if you promise to stay here."

I was immediately thrown back to the dream where he died. "Oh, god, no. Please."

As we both struggled, Joe pulled up to the curb. When we heard the sharp crack of gunshots, we all raced to the building. As we ran up the stairs, I could hear the cries of the baby reaching a fevered pitch. I took comfort in the fact that she was crying, which meant that she was alive.

I was unprepared for the sight that greeted me when I got to the landing. Tank was laying in a pool of blood, not moving. Ranger and I raced to him, and Joe entered the apartment. I knelt down next to him, not caring that I was getting his blood on my jeans. I cradled his face in my hands. His eyes fluttered open and he whispered, "Not your choice."

Joe called it in while I knelt in Tank's blood. Before I knew it, there were police everywhere. He was still alive when they loaded him into the ambulance. Ranger and I left to go to the hospital where Joe would meet us later.

By the time we made it to the hospital, they were already wheeling Tank into surgery. I found my friend Louise Malinkowski, who told us that the bullet cracked a rib and entered his lung. We went to the surgical waiting room for news.

I turned to Ranger, "What happened in there?"

Ranger buried his face in his hands and said, "You were so upset that day, and all you could tell me was that it was a dream. The next night, I had a dream, too. I was in a meeting with a new client. Something was wrong, but I couldn't tell what it was. Hal interrupted me to tell me that police were called to your location. I called you, but you didn't answer. I drove there, but I was too late. You were already gone. I can't live without you, Stephanie."

"The next day, I used the gym to try to work the dream out of my system. Tank came and asked me what was wrong. I was so shaken that I told him everything, starting with your dream. This morning, I went into a meeting, and it was the client from the dream." He took both of my hands in his own. "I left him standing there and drove to you. I had to get to you before it was too late. I called Morelli. Begged him to come. Nothing else mattered. I couldn't lose you."

The waiting room was starting to fill with men in black. Ranger and I sat there holding each other until the doctor came in. Ranger and Bobby walked over to him and introduced themselves.

We stayed until they moved him to his room and we could visit him. The doctor told us that if he was any shorter, the bullet would have hit his aorta, killing him. I laid my head on the bed next to him and cried. I don't know how long I sat there, when I felt a hand on my head. I looked up to see Tank's eyes open, looking at me.

When we left the hospital, Ranger took me to his home in Colt's Neck. It was the house from my dream. Neither of us can fully explain what happened, but we're treating every day as the gift that it is.

**A/N Yes, I had originally let someone die at the end of this... It was so depressing that I deleted it... (Steph died & the story followed the fallout for Ranger & Joe) Besides, I'm a HEA kind of girl!**


End file.
